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Changing the Way We Think About Consensual Non-monogamy | Nirel Marofsky | TEDxTerryTalks

Changing the Way We Think About Consensual Non-monogamy | Nirel Marofsky | TEDxTerryTalks

Translator: Carol Wang
Reviewer: Rhonda Jacobs Ever since I was a little girl
I dreamed of my wedding day. I remember putting on
my mother’s engagement ring and pretended that I had found
my one true love. I could feel the petals
between my fingers. And how could I not? I mean, who here hasn’t dreamt
of getting married one day? In popular culture we’re saturated with these ideas of finding
our one true love; we’re saturated with love and romance
and sex in the media. And rightly so. Relationships are a really
important part of our lives. In fact, people report
that in the key stages of an ideal life, in the top five, they list
getting married and having a family as some of these important priorities. So relationships are a big deal. Unfortunately, this is the reality
of the situation. Forty percent of marriages
in Canada end in divorce. And the stats are higher in the U.S. –
they’re up to 50 percent. As Chris Ryan, the author, once said: “If boarding a plane,
you had a 40 or 50 percent chance that that plane was going to crash, would you get on that plane? Because I sure wouldn’t.” (Laughter) The story that we’re telling ourselves
isn’t working for everyone. A lot of marriages and a lot
of long-term relationships are ending in divorce and others
are unhappy with their relationships, trapped in loveless
or sexless relationships. And so why do we have
such a high failure rate? And why does nobody
seem to be questioning this? Well, some people are. But first, let’s talk about the reason
why we have this high failure rate. And the reason, let’s be clear,
is not monogamy. Monogamy is not working for everyone, but the reason really
is the lack of an alternative, or rather, the perceived
lack of an alternative. In our mono-normative society,
where monogamy is the norm, it’s given to us, it’s chosen for us
as our relationship model. We’re not given any choice. We put the expectation on one person
to satisfy 100 percent of our emotional and physical
wants and needs, and that seems like a lot of pressure
to put on one person. And so with no alternative,
we’re really setting ourselves up to fail unless we find this one true love or otherwise we are compromising
these wants and needs. And, again, it doesn’t seem like
a very fair expectation to put on one person, in my opinion. So what if I told you
that we do have a choice? That there is an alternative, and we can choose to design
our own relationships if we so choose? And what if I told you that four to five percent of Americans
are already doing this? And you may say, “Nirel, four to five percent?
That’s not a big number.” But four to five of Americans is actually almost half
of the population of Canada. (Laughter) Think about that for a second. So it’s not just like hippie,
remote communities that are trying this out. This is actually a big deal. A lot of people in our society are choosing to adopt
an alternative to monogamy. So, again, the solution
is a shift in perspective. It’s a shift in perspective from going to thinking that monogamy
is the only option that we have, that we don’t have options, essentially, to acknowledgeing
that we do have alternative options. So at this point you’re probably like “Nirel, what is my alternative?
You’ve talked so much about this.” Well, here is one alternative. Actually, multiple. We’ll talk about it. So we already know about monogamy, right? It basically means that your are with one person
exclusively at any given time, sexually or physically, and emotionally. And so the idea of consensual non-monogamy is that it refers
to romantic relationships in which all partners agree to engage in sexual, romantic and/or emotional
relationships with others. So at this point, you may be like
“Nirel, are you talking about cheating?” Well, no. This is not cheating.
In fact, it’s the exact opposite. Cheating involves deceit,
it involves lying and dishonesty, which go against the most fundamental
aspects of a relationship, which is honesty and truth
and open communication. And so consensual non-monogamy relies on agreements
made by consenting adults. It’s really fundamental
that you understand that distinction. So when we look a little closer
at monogamy and consensual non-monogamy side by side, this is how it can be explained
pretty simply, I think. So we allow ourselves to have
more than one familly member, right? And to devote our time and love and
attention to more than one family member as with more than one friend. But when it comes to sex and romance, these seem to be exclusive, we seem to devote these exclusively
to one person, at a time, at least. Whereas in consensual non-monogamy, the idea is that sex and romance
and friendship may intertwine to form any sort
of combination of relationships, and that you may have a relationship – or more than one relationship
involving anyone of these at any given time. And so in this model, what’s kind of cool is that
that 100 percent burden of satisfying your wants
and your needs, emotionally and physically, are distributed among multiple partners. And you may think, “But does this mean that I will love
any one of my partners any less?” Well, I’ll ask, “If you have a child
and then you have a second child, would you love your first child
any less than your second? If you have a best friend
and then you meet another friend, does this mean that you’re going
to devote less of your attention to your first friend?” Sure, time is limited,
but love may not be. Love actually may be infinite. That’s sort of the idea behind polyamory, which is one form
of consensual non-monogamy, and it’s kind of a cool one. And if you learn
how to allocate your time, then this actually can work pretty well. And so the bottom line again is that neither one of these
is better than the other. But on the left-hand side of the screen, that’s what we seem
to be given as our choice. And so the idea here
is to take a step back and realize that there is this other option. And in fact, with all these combinations,
there are multiple options. So … yes, this is a teddy bear. I like teddy bears. When I explain consensual
non-monogamy to people, the way that I like to talk about it
is that it’s kind of like the Build-A-Bear of relationships; or rather, this perspective –
this shift in perspective from only having monogamy as our option
to having multiple options – that really is the Build-Bear
of relationships. Now, I don’t know if you guys
are familiar with Build-a-Bear, but as a kid I loved this. You can go to a Build-A-Bear workshop and design all the components
of your teddy bear – you can choose if you want it
to be like a rhinoceros or a teddy bear, and either one is fine,
neither one’s better than the other. You can dress it up. That’s great. But we’re not talking
about individuals here, we’re talking about relationships – we’re talking about customizing and designing and building
our own relationships. So, spoiler alert: my parents are consensually
non-monogamous. They’re polyamorous. And, what does this mean? So don’t be scared by this slide, I’ll go through it and I’ll talk about
my parents as an example. So my parents have an open relationship. They’re polyamorous, and so they consider each other
their primary partners, but they also have secondary partners when it comes to their relationship style. My dad has a girlfriend
and my mom has a boyfriend, and they are also open
beyond those relationships to forming other
meaningful relationships with evolving emotional intimacy
and physical intimacy. And when it comes to communication, my parents are 100 percent
transparent with each other, with their partners and with us,
with my siblings and myself, which leads to me learning
a lot about my parents’ sex life. (Laughter) Awkward sometimes,
but also really informative, actually, because I’ve learned a lot
about myself this way. So it’s actually really helpful. And even if your parents
are not consensually non-monogamous, it really helps to have
open and honest parents. And this is pretty different
because when I was really little, actually, well, growing up, really, and coming back to the idea
of dreaming of my wedding day, I always thought of this
happily-ever-after as something that would end in me
being with one other person. But now I realize that I actually
have a lot more options than that. And there are lots of options. So, with my parents, like I said,
they’re polyamorous, but the choice that you have
regarding your relationships may also depend on the circumstance. So, maybe you have
a long-distance relationship, and you really care about this person, but it might be a better idea
in order for you both to have your physical intimacy
wants and needs satisfied to have other relationships as well. And maybe you want
to have those relationships also involve emotional intimacy, but it’s really, really customizable. That’s the idea. And also, why shouldn’t we get
to have a choice in our personal lives? That’s a question
that I like to ask myself too. Also when it comes to having kids,
maybe you find yourself one day in the situation where, I know
we’re all pretty young now for this, unless maybe you are ready
to have kids, which is great, but maybe you want to have kids
and your partner doesn’t, so maybe you can still be
in that relationship with that person, and you can also have kids,
so that’s kind of cool. And then, lastly, if you have any crazy
kinks or fetishes that your partner is maybe unwilling or unable to satisfy, you can have another partner
that can satisfy those for you. So that’s kind of neat. But why does this idea
still seem so radical? Because sometimes when people
see a photo of, for example, like four people cuddling, I mean,
I don’t know about you guys, I love cuddling, so I’m like “Oh, cuddles,
this is great. I want to join.” But maybe you don’t,
maybe that’s not your first reaction. And the reason is probably because, again, coming back to this idea
of mono-normativity, in which monogamy is so ingrained in us that we’re not really presented
with an alternative, and that any alternative
that people do present to us is stigmatized. And what about, though, that
four to five of Americans, for example, who are choosing to live this way? Well, an interesting study –
it just finished, actually, by a person named Ryan Witherspoon, and he found that as people
more closely identified with being consensually non-monogamous, so they considered it
a more core part of their identity, yes, they faced increased rates of stigma and discrimination against them, which comes to no surprise. But also, along with these
higher rates of identity, higher rates of stigma and discrimination, these people also reported
higher rates of satisfactions with their own relationship. So this is working out for some people, and that in of itself
is important to acknowledge. The bottom line is that
some people, a lot of people, are choosing to be
consensually non-monogamous, and, again, because it’s consensual,
everybody involved is cool with it, so the important thing
to take away from this is that we need to legitimize
those relationships, and we need to recognize them
as viable alternatives, just like we recognize monogamy
as a viable relationship model. And, so a big question
that a lot of people have is: Okay, great, this works well for adults,
but what about the kids? Well, as a kid of non-monogamous parents, it’s actually pretty interesting, like what you might be able
to teach your kids, or what you might be able
to learn as a kid. So, we are already used to the idea
of having multiple parents, if you think about it. With such high divorce rates,
we have a lot of step-parents. But the difference
between the relationship that step-parents normally
develop with children and the relationship that a metamour, or a partner of your partner’s, like your partner’s partner, that that person may establish
with your children, it’s kind of a different dynamic, right? Because with step-parents,
usually they end up being resented, at least by the other parent, and that often leads
to resentment by the children. Sometimes not, I see a head-shake
and that’s totally fine. If that’s not the case, I am so happy that you have a wonderful relationship
with your step-parents. But sometimes not. And so it’s just the idea that maybe this can actually
be a cool alternative since children do benefit
from having multiple adults living with them. It’s also kind of the idea
of going back to a tribe mentality and a more community-based lifestyle. So the effort to raise the children
is shared, it’s divided, kind of like that 100 percent of someone’s
emotional and physical wants and needs that are divided up
by having different partners. So it would also be the economic burden, and the time management of raising kids –
not that we’re only burdens, also the joy in the taking part
in raising children – that is shared among
these consenting adults. So that’s kind of neat. And a couple lessons that I’ve learned as a child of consensually
non-monogamous parents is to combat jealousy with compersion. I’m sure that jealousy
is on a lot of people’s minds, and it’s as much of a problem in consensually
non-monogamous relationships as it is in monogamous relationships. And basically it just involves
a lot of self-awareness and a lot of just really working on self-esteem, like boosting up
your self-esteem and realizing that someone is not going to be
more likely to leave you as a partner just because they have the option to. In fact, that’s kind of the point – it’s that each day
you’re making the choice to be with your partner,
not because you have to because you have a wedding ring on you, or because you’ve promised
to be with this person forever, but actually because you’re always
constantly making this choice, which is kind of cool. And also, again,
the idea of infinite love. So in relationships
that do involve emotional intimacy, this is kind of a cool idea
to share with children. And just to bring it back to home, actually recently, a triad in Nova Scotia,
a polyamorous triad of three men have announced that
they want to have children and all contribute
genetic material to the children. So that’s kind of cool – it just shows how actually
prevalent this is. Like, think about that – it’s real,
it’s in Canada, it’s happening. It’s in Canada! So it must be real! (Laughter) And just think about
the implications that this might have when it comes to Hallmark cards
or medical or legal rights. So this is kind of a big deal. [40%] This isn’t how it has to be. These conferences are supposed
to teach us to think critically, to challenge conventional models
that we are taught, right? They’re meant to consider
new possibilities. And so the bottom line
is to expose you to this new idea, to expose you to the idea
of consensual non-monogamy, not as the “new option,” we’re not replacing
one thing with another, but we are acknowledging
that we have the choice, that we can design our own relationships if we so choose. Now, some of us may end up
being monogamous and that’s great. If that works out well for you,
I’m genuinely so happy. And some of us
may choose a different path. My parents are super happy
in their polyamorous relationships, and I am still deciding for myself. But I acknowledge that I have this choice, and I encourage you to do the same. Thanks. (Applause) (Cheers)

100 comments on “Changing the Way We Think About Consensual Non-monogamy | Nirel Marofsky | TEDxTerryTalks

  1. The fact, and my experience is…not all children are loved equally. I doubt Love is even part of Polyamory..I get free will, honesty, desire etc. Love can be part of it but in reality its not going to be the Primary reason for other relationships. I could very well appreciate the nonmonogomus option..just don't act like it will be without consequences or compromises. And they are just as likely to end those relationships as Monogamous relationships. People are people.

  2. The fact, and my experience is…not all children are loved equally. I doubt Love is even part of Polyamory..I get free will, honesty, desire etc. Love can be part of it but in reality its not going to be the Primary reason for other relationships. I could very well appreciate the nonmonogomus option..just don't act like it will be without consequences or compromises. And they are just as likely to end those relationships as Monogamous relationships. People are people.

  3. The fact that 5% of Americans are "polyamorous" to me is not a criteria of "normalcy", 1.2% of Americans are in jail and 2.8% of Americans have a police/criminal record (US DOJ 2011, 2013 data) does not make crime "normal" either.
    Data from 2005, USA: 58% couples divorce, ~30% are unhappy but live together for various reasons (money, legal, children, etc.), ~10% consider themselves "happy" and would marry their spouse again. We have a problem. Another statistic, (CDC ~2008), a poor, uneducated, unmarried (often teenager at the first pregnancy) has 2.4 more children than an older college graduated woman (usually more affluent). Poverty, poor education, emotional isolation (needy children), etc… tend to have a life of its own, creating more of the same behavior performance, all that at a tremendous cost to society.
    That consenting couples engage in polyamorous relationships or any kind of relationship for that matter is fine – they are adults, in a free country. My fear (and my experience is) that in our current society, someone in the relationship ends up getting frustrated, hurt, injured, or not getting enough of something. It is hard enough to satisfy the needs of a single spouse, imagine four of them – a lot more compromises have to be made.
    Ms. Marofsky, I fear, is the exception that confirms the rule. Her family is/was well adapted to this lifestyle. I do not think that this is the solution for most families in OUR culture/era. Currently, we are suffering the effects of the breakdown of the nuclear family – which sadly enough parallels the loss of societal values/responsibilities, the increase of violence, the decrease of education, poverty, etc. in the USA and to a lesser extent in Canada. I am not sure that this is a "success" story.
    Finally, drug/addiction/violence/abuse aside, marital love is work, a lot of work, you get in a relationship what you put into it. A bit part of the satisfaction of a successful marriage has to do with all the issues that the couple resolved or sacrifices they made over time i.e. their investment in each other, "kinky sexual practices" included (to quote our speaker).
    Ciao, L

  4. I am in no way opposed to polyamory at all. There are, however, a number of reasons why it wouldn't work for me – and one of them, maybe the most important one, is time. I work a full-time job; I have lovely friends; I love my partner and want to spend time with him; and there are children in the mix. Even if my partner and I consented to have additional partners, the question would be: when? The week still would have only seven days. I for one need time to feel close and emotionally intimate with someone. I really wonder what types of lives polyamorous people lead, because they must have more time than me. What she says about "learning to allocate your time" means practically: the 3,5 hours of free time I have in a working day (excluding shopping, cleaning etc.) would need to be divided not only between my partner and kids, but between several partners and the kids. You see where even an organisational genius would run into trouble building that boundless love she talks about, right? It's hard to love and be loved if you are never around to work on the foundation.

  5. In fact the comunist though has been done away with the tradiotional family an poliamourus has been spread around the world as the best option, Noboby wants to have a real family . It is nasty and sad to see how the human being is changing for worst.

  6. I want a wedding even if it's not a legally binding marriage. You can always throw a party without the paperwork.

  7. I would like to point out that the 40% number is only a recent phenomena and only the case in first world nations. The monogamous relationship has been the bedrock of society for a thousand years (and still is in many places around the world) and therefore you can't attribute the failure rate of recent years to the institution itself. I've explored non-monogamy and it has a massive failure rate. For most it seems they have a primary and then they try on secondaries like they try foods. Picking up and dumping secondaries frequently. It's not a good method for most to pursue. I wrote a piece on my website about this which explains step by step what you need to know before choosing non-monogamy.

    I think the fundamental problem with marriage today is that people are getting married having absolutely no idea what marriage is about. Marriage is not a right of passage, or something to brag about, or some sort of milestone. Marriage, when done correctly, is a deliberate and pragmatic choice made by two people longing to form a family, a partnership, a team of sorts. If ANY marriage is comprised of individuals that only think for themselves or find themselves competing with each other, that marriage is doomed to fail. This is why marriages only today suffer from these dramatic failure rates despite having been the bedrock of society the better part of the last 1,000 years. Everyone is being told they are "entitled" to more. Me, me me me me me. Sorry people. If you get married, it's no longer about "me" but about "us" If you can't figure that out, you're not suited for marriage. If you can't give up part of yourself for the other, stay the hell out of the institution. Trust me. I've been married for 17 years. I know a thing or two about this.

  8. I loved it. I really like the idea of polyamory and always loved the idea of free love and sharing it with others! I always though about it as a child so now it can be true. Obviously the start.point is not easy but everything can be defeated if you think it through 🙂

  9. Goddamnit 😠, people, the amount of your disrespectful comments is just disgusting!
    Have you ever heard anything about respect? Poly is NOT about promiscuity, it's about being honest, about self-awareness and trust, which requires work and wisdom. Yes, love is infinite and it's worth sharing. Poly people are different from you, yes, let's make stupid jokes fulfilled with poison of stupidity, intolerance and disrespect, that would be just so fucking great.

    She is a decent speaker, her explaination is GOOD, the topic itself is very IMPORTANT, and I wish Nirel all the best of luck ❤

  10. A partner is not supposed to meet your needs. If you have that much need, then you do not truly love yourself. You fulfill your own love and needs and your significant other compliments that.

  11. The fact that we recognize monogamy as a relationship model is the crazy thing…. It's so rare to find it working for anyone. I know, I know, it works for some people, but I've found those people are either very sexless type people, or they're really young and have never been in a relationship longer than a few years. Once you hit 10 years or so with a partner, you realize how unrealistic it is to be monogamous.

  12. Interesting idea, great talk. I understand the need for the poly community to push the positives of this relationship models but I'd like to delve under the skin and see what are the issues. I.e. When you get into a fight with one partner do you alienate that person in favour for another? Can that cause rifts etc? Love to hear from poly people on this

  13. Its not easy to love one man or one woman for life. It involves sacrifice and giving.
    Trust me no one will look at a polyamorous relationship and say ohhh they made love to lots of other people for 50 years.

  14. Probably the real reason for the increasing rate of failure of relationships is the increasing levels of narcissism.

  15. If your partner spend more time with someone else or spend less time with you. Wouldn't you feel less special? Is not the point of having a relationship is to have one special person in your life whom you want to have a family with? If you think it is good to have multiple partner then dont marry and have kids. Dont set people up for hope that they can be special to you.

  16. This sounds a lot like being single. Being in a relationship isnt always fun, but its the sacrifises that you make for one another that shows your significant other that you stick by them no matter what. What happens when one of your partners gets into a depression? Or gets cancer? Do you just chose a new one to avoid the hardwork of being supportive and sacrifising your own time for your loved one?

  17. If my parents were non-monogamous good chance I'd have my contact at a minimum. I despise it and what it stands for. Though I do expect that this will take root. And I do expect between 40/50% of relationships to be non-monogamous in the future.

  18. I would have no problem with Polyamery I could handle multiple partners. If that form of marrage would work I think the law needs to be changed, wouldn't it?
    I would think Polyamous would lead to a higher percentage of divorce, I would think?
    Questions: What about children out of that,relationship?
    In a divorce who gets the children?
    My EX keeps my children just out of spite?

  19. I’ve recently been trying to get into this non-monogamy thing, have been reading and keeping an open mind about it since I’ve questioned the way my past and actual relationship have done. This particular person doesn’t really bring the best arguments to the table.

  20. A model of love as shopping (fetish, number of people and so on) is not adequate – remember it, please. It makes a person into a consumer. There is a model of finding love relation as finding an employee – he can go to another company. This one is also leaving some void…

  21. I think some people miss the point here. Nobody has ever said that this is the one way people should live. She's just saying: let's think about it, spread the idea, make it more socially acceptable. True, this isn't the best talk on the subject, and it does seem a bit like she hasn't got an awful lot of facts to back her words, but at least she contributes to spreading the discussion.

  22. Stay single… the only way to fly. I have never seen an open relationship work without major jealousy and people getting hurt.

  23. The mistake of the 40% statistic is easy.

    Here is an illustrative example;
    100 marriages; 85 remain together; 15 break up.
    That is 85/100 marriages; 15% Divorce rate;
    the 85 can never increase, because they stay true.
    BUT, the 15(30 people) can increase the denominator.
    A new group of 15 marriages are created and broken.
    Now it is 85/115 = 26% of ALL marriages end in divorce.
    Rinse and Repeat.
    85/130 = 35% of ALL marriages end in divorce!!!!!
    85/145 = 43% of ALL marriages end in divorce!!!!!

    The 85% of the married population begin to question the sanity of the 15%.

  24. In other words she promotes relationships void of real trust and intimacy by siting anecdotal evidence that " monogamy" is hard, but satisfying your "crazy" site is neat and cute. Ahm… NO

  25. My live in boyfriend of 2 years never wants to get married and I do. We actually just had a conversation about trying a non-monogamous relationship. We still love each other and feel a complete break would tear us apart. We just want different things and are giving each other the opportunity to work around our wants and needs.

  26. I can’t help but feel that this would cause pain for any children in these relationships. Nirel has a rich family, you can see it on her siblings instagram accounts, which probably improved the quality of their lives regardless. But if my parents were to each have another relationship, I would have probably only seen each of them half the time. Maybe for young childless people it’s a good option but… nahhhh

  27. My wife planted the polyamory seed in my head and as an open minded individual I am beginning to envision great potential in this lifestyle choice. However, I am one of the most open minded people I have ever met and most of my family and extended family are not exactly open minded. So my concern is that it might damage the quality of time I spend with my family. Hopefully, I can figure something out because this practice makes a lot of sense.

  28. Only Beta Male Provider Cuckolds get married today. Good men save other men from marriage and commitment to women.

  29. My partner and I have been seriously thinking about this lifestyle however it is so hard to get over the scheduling, family dynamic, jealousy issues, etc. It also seems like an expensive choice given the number of date!

  30. Sharing a woman is not beneath me. As long as I get my 3 days a week and you don't give me any diseases we are fine.

  31. There should be a ted talks on how polyamory can effect a child’s life and behavior. I’m ok with it until kids get in the picture. I don’t believe in marriage unless the couple WANTS children, not get married and have children. If I didn’t want kids I wouldn’t be married.

  32. Sounds like a defensive justification of a fad for affluent westerners. Justification of this lifestyle is fine, selling it to others is very dubious.

  33. The truth of the matter is, you can love someone and give them your energy, but the poly label still screams, "I'm staying to love you until I find someone who meets even MORE of my endless needs."

  34. Is there a place to locate a verbatim transcription of this talk? I'm working on a school paper regarding this topic and having the text at my fingertips would prove ever-so-helpful.

  35. I don’t see that alpha ape just stepping to the side to let a bunch of
    Beta Males
    Mount his
    Harem of
    Enlighten me

  36. Also…
    Isn’t it that the most attractive get all the action?
    What about that segment of population that isn’t a 7 or above?
    Point being:
    Isn’t it a scientific fact that the most “attractive, young” get laid the most?
    A lot of
    Lesser desirables

  37. Another question:
    Are all these “extra parents” gonna pay extra child support for the “children” they all “share”…
    For life, not just while the relationships are “working”

  38. Oh geez…. Emotional need for love and care is it really a lot of pressure to put on someone shoulder 🤷…really?….c'monnnnn !!
    Maybe she have failed the basics on how to share her emotional needs.

  39. loved her talk,,im all for whatever relationships people care to have,, but the law says one marriage at a time,,to keep society in check?,, or because the bible says so? its illegal,,its immoral..i call BS. people will think you have loose morales..more BS,, you only have one life,,.live the way you wish.. families were larger back in the day,,lots of hands to help out and love,,todays families are small and separated from relativies,,I think we are starved for love and approval .

  40. The perfect way to end a Ted talk. I acknowledge this information and I encourage you to do the same.

  41. a nice option to a 'better' relation but on the flip side one of your partners may be bringing some 'unsavory' goodies to share with you like Aids and other STDs—-unintentional of course, then for you to share with your other partners—on and on it goes…………

  42. The alternative has been stigmatized since ancient greece. It's called a love triangle, and it historically a popular source of CONFLICT in plot

  43. Good for rich people, good luck having few children with few people and deciding who pays for what, who lives with who, who takes mortgage together etc. If you are very independed and rich person maybe you can't make it on a long run. What about jealousy and if someone will fall in love much more than to others.

  44. Love? Infinite? If one person isn't good enough for you, 5 would be? There's hierarchy. You can't love more than one person equally. And that bs example she gave with loving your children more or less…first of all this isn't romantic love. It's sick to compare those. And yes it's possible to love one child more than the other. Even in poly relationships there's a prime and then there are the rest. Romantic love isn't an "infinite" resource. The love that poly people have is in fragments. They have serious insecurities and difficulties being completely open to one person, so they split their needs. For the women who participate in this nonsense, where is your self respect? Poly "love" isn't romantic love. There are enough problems in the world that individuals face, you've gotta be some kind of superhuman or super bored to get a kick out of polyamory. Jealousy is okay and shouldn't be suppressed, it should be addressed and not constantly revisited. Let's not promote more messed up family dynamics for children.

    True love has a foundation of security, trust, honestly, loyalty, sincerity, kindness, mutual respect, vulnerability, communication, support, shared goals, intimacy, compassion, compromise, humor, positivity, presence, friendship, exclusivity, and love. Together that creates a unique bond…it allows a safe environment for two people to grow together. I could let go of my guard to have all that… biologically we're wired to pair bond. Polyamorous relationships put Band-Aids on real issues, particularly for people who compartmentalize.

  45. How about some education on how to have a great marriage. I give you – Marriage Builders with Dr Harley. This Clinical Psychologist knows his stuff. For those wanting monogamous love and marriage Dr Harley is the man.

  46. Kissed both my female and male partner in public for the first time the other day. Felt so amazing 🙌☺️

  47. I've BEEN considering this lifestyle, I LOVE 2 PEOPLE and I BELIEVE we would have a WONDERFUL LIFE TOGETHER. ONE person is Poly already and the other isn't. What is my next step

  48. I was with my now ex husband since we were 15 yrs old for 27 yrs but 17 yrs into our relationship/marriage he cheated on me for the first time and it was devastating, but I stayed and we worked thru that affair. However over the next 10 yrs he ended up having 5 affairs that I know of (and I don’t know how many others that I didn’t know about). I gave my everything and we had one daughter that was 9 at the time this all began, at the age of 18 I found out about his last affair, that was the breaking point I couldn’t do this anymore, I had lost all respect for myself and it damaged my daughter more by staying than had I left sooner. I can’t go back and change things now but in divorce I lost everything, the life i was used to, my best friend & and all I had ever known. I do agree you shouldn’t just walk away but infidelity is a deal breaker now for me. I cannot trust a man again at this point because of what the one I trusted most and said he loved me did to our marriage for over 10 yrs. My daughter came to me after all the divorce was over, she said she wished I left her dad when she was 9 because it affected her in ways I can never go back and change and that affects it had on her, that breaks my heart every day. In conclusion, my ex husband raced to the alter 3 months after our divorce file and married the last girl her cheated on me with. We have one life, I feel that you need to take care of yourself and your kids first, if you are with someone that doesn’t respect you and the family you built then don’t stay. I was able to find out all this through the help of a hacker. Ciaberhacker2019 @gmailcom. I will forever be grateful to you for helping me expose him. I recommend him to anyone.

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