Chappelle’s Show’s Best Political Sketches – Chappelle’s Show
Byaah. (singing) Chappelle show. Ladies and gentlemen,
I bring to you now Black Bush. President Bush continues
to make his case for an invasion of Iraq. After carefully
examining the region, me and my cabinet agree that that area is definitely
ripe for regime change. All right. But if I can be real about. Be real son.
Real? Be real, real, son. He tried to kill my father, man.
I don’t play that shit. Say where they tried
to kill your father son. The (bleep) tried
to kill my father. Word to everything, we love
coming to see y’all, son. Meanwhile President Bush
and British Prime Minister Tony Blair offered
a spirited explanation for a possible war
with Iraq. This (bleep) very possibly
has weapons of mass destruction. I can’t sleep on that.
Not on my watch. That’s not how I roll.
That shit is serious. Now if you don’t want
to take my word for it, why don’t you ask
Tony Blair. He got a whole ‘nother set of
intelligence. What’s up Tony? We don’t know much about the … but we can’t trust
random (bleep) with things like that as George
so eloquently put it. I’m with him 100% of the way.
We don’t know what he has. If the United States
goes to war with Iraq will it first
have to provide evidence that Saddam Hussein has
weapons of mass destruction? So far the UN
has found nothing, but President Bush
counters with this. The (bleep) bought
aluminum tubes. Do I need to tell you
what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube? Aluminum!
That don’t scare you? Fine. I didn’t want to say this. The motherfucker bought
some yellow cake. Okay. In Africa. He went to Africa
and he bought yellow cake. Are you sure? Yes I’m sure bitch. I got the head of the CIA
right here who will tell you. Are you sure? Are you, I can’t
believe you motherfuckers. Let me tell you
something. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. Me and Jeb just
coming back from Africa. Cradle of fucking civilization. This (bleep) out here
buying yellow cake. From the motherland. Are you sure it was yellow cake? Y’all (bleep) don’t believe me,
I got some yellow cake right
here. Look? You see?
You believe this shit now? Don’t drop that shit. I know.
I know what to do with it. That’s why I got it wrapped up
in this special CIA napkin. Don’t drop that shit, yeah. You hope I don’t drop this shit. Pray to God you don’t
drop that shit. Yellow cake. Fucking right. A sensitive accusation for this
administration is the theory held by many
that the real reason the US is so interested
in toppling Saddam is control of the oil
that Iraq is sitting on. What about people who say
you’re only interested in the Middle East for oil? What? Huh oil? Who said something
oil bitch, you cooking? Oil? I don’t know what …
come on y’all get out of here. President Bush met with
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan and made it clear the US will
act even if the UN is reluctant. UN? You have a problem with
that? You know what you should
do? You should sanction me.
Sanction me with your army. Oh! Wait a minute!
You don’t have an army. I guess that means you need
to shut the fuck up. That’s what I would
if I didn’t have an army. I would shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
That’s right. Kofi Annan. Think I’m gonna take orders
from an African? You might speak 16 languages,
but you gonna need ’em when you in Times Square
selling fake hats. I know Gucci when I see
it (bleep), I’m rich. I got a coalition
of the willing. I got 40 nations
ready to roll son! Like who? Who the fuck said that? Huh?
Huh? Like who? England.
Japan’s sending PlayStations. … said they’re willing to
drop bombs over Baghdad. Riggity Row is coming. Afrika Bambaataa
and the Zulu nation. This means I am not
doing this by myself and I’m not disrespecting
the UN even though
they don’t got no army. Go sell some medicine bitches.
I’m trying to get that oil. Oh ho! The US fired the opening salvo
in the war on Iraq with at least 40 Tomahawk
cruise missiles and precision guided bombs,
centering on Baghdad. Good evening. Tonight
President George Bush is onboard the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln
off the California coast. It will be the sight of what is
essentially his victory speech in the war against Iraq. What did I say? I’m not gloating,
but what did I say? Did I not say
that we will win that shit? We rocked them families.
We rocked ’em. Man did you see me
coming on that plane? For the second straight day
these hard line Iraqis protested
the American presence here. Mr. President when do you think they’ll hold
general elections in Iraq? Damn I knew I shouldn’t
have called on this (bleep). I should not have
called on you ’cause you always trying
to distract motherfuckers with things like the war
and skirt all the real issues. Gay people are getting
married folks. Yes. Nasty.
Imagine that. Two women. Touching on each other’s
titty balls. Caressing them.
Gently stroking those nipples ’til they get just
so stiff and erect. Blowing on ’em. Men, barbecue, “I like you.” “I like you too dog.
Let’s get married man.” It’s crazy. What about your re- That shit is gross. Mr. President, Mr. President
sir, how do you explain
the continual upheaval in Iraq even after the capture
of Saddam Hussein? Why you doing this man? I thought you’s
my black brother. Why you ask me
questions like that? Fine I’ll answer your stupid
ass question. Here’s what I feel about Iraq. I feel like you guys keep trying
to distract people with Iraq when I’m focusing
on other things. Namely the moon.
Yes I said it the moon. Can’t be distracted,
what’s going on with the war? What’s wrong with the economy?
Stop worrying about that. I got that shit under control.
Let’s focus on space (bleep). The United States of space, ’cause I ain’t stopping
at the moon. Write this down. M-A-R-S. Mars bitches.
That’s where we are going. Mars. Red rocks
Yay yay! You know something? We’re not
just gonna go to New Hampshire, Tom Harkin.
We are gonna go to New York. We’re gonna go to Vermont.
We’re gonna go to Oregon. We’re gonna go to Pittsburgh
and Pennsylvania. We’re going to Cancun
for spring break. We’re gonna go to Montreal.
We’re going to Vancouver. I’m going all over the world and then I’m coming all the way
to Washington D.C to take back
the White House. Byaaah. Byaaah. I’m gonna kick open the door
in the oval office and I’m gonna chop that
motherfucking desk in half. “Byaaah.” And then I’m gonna grab
the secret service like this and put ’em in a headlock
and say, “Byaaah.” And then I’m gonna
go upstairs in my bedroom I’m gonna grab my wife
like this and be like, “Byaaah.” And then I’m gonna wash up,
we’ll wash up and I’m gonna be
like this, “Byaaah.” Good night. He set the policy
for this administration and I support the President. 90 seconds. Well I think it’s important
to remember when you’re talking
about this issue that Vice President Cheney
has a lesbian daughter and not only is
his daughter a lesbian, but his mom’s a lesbian. And his sister’s a lesbian,
and his great granny has holes in her panties.
“Byaaah.” Well Gwen let me simply thank- “Byaaah.” for the kind words he said about
my family and our daughter. “Byaaah, Byaaah.” “Byaaah.”
I love lesbians. “Byaaah.”
I watch the L Word on Showtime. “Byaaah. Byaaah.” I got a tax policy
that’ll break your neck. Byaaah.
Got you all a check. Going to Washington
down to Vermont, down to, “Byaaah.”
“Byaaah. Byaaah.” Byaaah.