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What is the Healthy Alternative to a Codependent Relationship?

What is the Healthy Alternative to a Codependent Relationship?


– Hello, it’s Independence Day. Independence Day. So, today what better
topic than independence. Stay tuned. (gentle music) First off, they’re starting
a little early out in the neighborhood so if you
hear things going off outside, I apologize for that,
there’s no way around it. We also have people at the house, so there might be a
little activity outside so if you hear a little hubbub outside, you hear fireworks going
off, I apologize for that. Nothing much I can do,
it’s been going all day for a couple of days already now. Anyway, it’s a big deal
here because I live right next to a military
base for one thing, and also I live on a lake
and the two things combined make it a big deal, make Independence Day, the Fourth of July, a big
deal here in my neighborhood. I thought, what better topic for my channel today than independence because for those of us who
consider ourselves codependent, I think that there has been a lot of talk. There’s a lot of information,
misinformation perhaps, about what the goal is, about what independence means. We talk about that
there is a dysfunctional dependence on another person and the relationship. Basically, the problem with the codependent relationship is that it is, it really doesn’t serve
anyone but it especially it really victimizes one person. It’s only serving the needs
of one in a relationship and at the detriment of the other. And, really, as far as being a good person and being the best that we can be, it doesn’t really serve anyone. Is independence the goal, and is that what all codependents should
be striving towards? A lot of self-help gurus would say so. They would say yes, that is
what we are striving towards. And that can leave a lot
of us feeling lonesome. That is the breeding
ground for narcissism. If your belief is that no
one can meet your needs, only you can meet your needs that it’s everyone for themselves, that you are the most important thing for you. That no one else can
meet your needs but you. That you are on your own to do that and that depending on,
relying on anyone else to meet any of your needs is a dysfunctional thing to do. Relying on anyone else, at some
point in their development, got the idea that they could
not rely on anyone else. That it was an unsafe thing
to do relying on someone else. So they vowed never to do it. They don’t want anyone relying on them. Really, when it comes down to it. They might be controlling and all of that, but they don’t want to think about anyone else’s needs but their own. The only needs of yours that a narcissist, a person with narcissistic
personality disorder is likely to meet are the ones that also meet their needs. So if by some chance it
meets your needs too, that’s just a lucky break for you. Where does that leave us? Well, that leaves us
forgetting about the one option that is really what we’re built for, what our inherent nature was intended to do. And that was be interdependent. Interdependent means that
we do rely on one another, we do need one another, that we can’t all be strong in all areas, we can’t all have to do
all things for ourselves. The way that we were designed, the way societies were initially intended, was that labor and things would be divided up. We were given different strengths as men and women by genders
and as individuals too. We were given individual
strengths and weaknesses. And the idea was that we would join in couples, and in
families, and in communities. Where we were weakest, someone
else would be strongest. And we would then be
interdependent on one another. We needed one another. And all contributions were valuable, were valued and were important. And there was no shame, but
someone has to do each thing. And there’s value in all of it. On this Independence Day,
I would like all of us to be thinking a little bit
about Interdependence Day and those of us who are codependent, what happened there, what went wrong there wasn’t that you noticed… You started off with the right idea. You saw someone who had weaknesses where you were stronger and you could help them in those areas. So you went in and you
started doing exactly that. The problem is that
you met up with someone who wasn’t doing the same thing. Who was basically using you. Over time, you got even weaker. Where you were weak, and you started getting depleted. And the relationship wasn’t good for you, it wasn’t filling you up, it wasn’t making you stronger, it wasn’t making life better and easier and it wasn’t making you more capable. Important to keep in mind, think about this and if
you have been a person that learn to rely on… And if that is what the
world has taught you, here’s the thing is that the universe is constantly trying to heal you. It’s trying to make you better. It’s trying to heal what’s broken in you. If as a child, you learned that you couldn’t rely on anyone else, that people were basically untrustworthy then that is something
in you that you were… You have developed into a
codependent who is clinging, who is constantly trying to get someone to meet the needs that
your parent didn’t meet. What’s going to happen
is that you’re not in the energy space to
attract someone like that. You’re going to continually attract people that are going to prove to you that your belief is correct, that people are untrustworthy, that you can’t rely on anyone. And the reason for that
is that the universe wants you to know, not
that people are unreliable, not that you can’t trust anyone, but that you can count on yourself. That you are capable of doing
a lot more than you think. It’s not how the goal is not independence. The goal is interdependence because we are designed that way. Communities can’t exist any other way. Families can’t, couples can’t, and in this time in our culture and our society and our world,
we need to understand that our salvation comes from our reliance on one another. We need one another and
everyone needs to know that what they bring to
the table is valuable and important, and needed. (gentle music)

2 comments on “What is the Healthy Alternative to a Codependent Relationship?

  1. I apologize to those of you who commented on the other independence day video I had up a few days ago by accident. They were such lovely and nice comments too I hated to lose them! Thank you as always for your support. I'm doing pretty well considering all of the memories that I'm sure you can imagine are inescapable. A year ago today Noah had just arrived here with his new roommate and was already the sound of his guitar was pumping through he amps and floating down the hall to my ears and I was in heaven having both my boys under my roof happy, healthy, with their friends making art and laughing loudly.

  2. Thank you Evening Ransom, another informative and enlightening perspective, much appreciated. Cheers John

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